As I'm sure everyone knows, Angel and I are no longer welcome in the Wolfram and Hart building. Of course, this suits me just fine although I'm not entirely sure how Angel feels about being forcefully removed from his position at that dreadful lawfirm. I could care less how feels about his duty to them, they're no help to anyone and especially not to us. I'd burn that building to the ground if I thought it would do any good at all. It almost makes me long for the wine cellar days of old...

There is one problem in this scenario, and that would be that with Angel's subsequent absence and Fred's new position at the firm she's somehow managed to drag my son down to her level. I have no idea what the relationship is between the two of them and frankly, I couldn't care less if I tried. The road to hell is always paved with the best of intentions, I don't care how good her intentions might be and mostly because I have the feeling that her intentions are less than good. Either way? I'm going to put a stop to this madness once and for all. I will not let Connor get dragged into the mess you've made, Fred. Do you understand?

//locked//

Which isn't to say that I don't understand that I am the true creator of this mess. Not only for creating Angelus in the first place, but for also letting him loose into the city for the simple reason of wanting him to kill Buffy. My plans have backfired and now my son is paying the price.

//unlocked//

In the meantime, Angel and I are staying with Buffy at her apartment. It doesn't have quite the view that the penthouse had but there's certainly more space. At least now I don't have to trip over a brooding slayer everytime I move from one room to the next. I dare say that Buffy and I are actually getting along quite well. I know, even the strangest of things seem possible these days. She has been more than helpful when it comes to understanding my new gifts as a slayer. I used to be one of the most destructive vampires this world has ever seen for centuries and now I'm the abomination that I've grown to hate over the years. I don't think it's an abomination anymore, I'm not sure what to think of it but I understand the importance in it.

//locked to Angel//

We need to talk, and soon before all of this gets even more out of hand than it already is.

//unlocked//

//locked//

Los Angeles has been abuzz with the rumors of Angel's untimely death. I've been strangely silent in my dealings the last few days past, but I know the truth. What they can't see behind their red-rimmed shining eyes. What happened to Angel wasn't death. Death is sweet, a slow bitter dance that you eventually succumb to or a violent mercy. This was neither sweet or merciful, it was sudden and graceless. No fading memory, just solid flesh and then dust. I've turned to dust so many times in my existance and I've never seen it played out like that before.

The worst part of all is knowing better, it always has been in my dealings with Angelus or Angel. Keeping your enemies closer is a romantic fantasy played up in movies and sitcoms, rarely does it ever pan out well in reality. There's still a pile of dust on the floor to prove that a vampire slayer makes a very unwise companion to a vampire.

No. I suppose the worst part of all is knowing that I've somehow contributed to this emotional yet ostensibly cathartic series of events. If only I had taken my own best intentions and put them to good use. They say the road to hell is paved by them and I suppose Angel is a perfect example for that but I still don't believe in it. I think the worst intentions were what drove him right into hell, my own. I set an animal loose into the city hoping Angelus would eventually tire of Faith and move onto Buffy. I set him out, knowing exactly what he was capable of. I suppose the simple fact that I'm still standing here is proof that hell does exist. It's here, and I'll never leave it.

The one truth I have left, the thing that keeps me weighted is sitting in a cage right now, determined to prove that he's something he's not. I've seen monsters and I don't care what Connor felt he had to do to avenge his father's death, he isn't one. This universe is a ceaseless cycle, forcing my son to redeem the sins of his parents. It's hardly fair. To think of the life and the death I've lived and here I remain with a third or fourth chance. Connor is innocent and his first chance was stolen right out from beneath him by someone that Angel trusted. I'm beginning to see a pattern emerge. If I had half the determination I'd once had I'd make that watcher pay for what he's done to my son. As it is, it seems as if enough revenge has been enacted lately. Someone has to stop the cycle, and now Angel has seen fit that I have the power to. I wonder vaguelly if he had some sense of that wherever he is now.

//unlocked//

As I'm sure you are all aware, I am now the acting CEO of Wolfram and Hart. Things should carry on they have been, although I will be making a few changes in the coming days.


Lindsey? I need to speak with you. Immediately.

I've discovered a secret downstairs.

Sometimes I honestly don't understand Angel. He comes home looking beaten nearly to death and refuses to tell me what's wrong. Only enough information for me to gather that Faith was the one who'd beaten him so soundly and that she'd left town for some length of time. I didn't press for details and Angel wasn't exactly forthcoming so I left it that. You'd think my boy would know me better than that, as if that weren't very nearly enough to pique my curiousity. Very nearly being the operative words.

I didn't have to dig too far to find an entry in which Fred describes the monster being held behind bars downstairs. To think that Angel thought to keep that information from me. Surely he understands that I must know now. I do I've just yet to determine exactly what to do with this information. Of course I understand that if Angelus is to stay in this building he simply must be contained. He's vicious and uncontrollable. Two of the traits I've always found particularly appealing about him. It's a confusing state I find myself in. Some old part of me wanting to go downstairs and perhaps taunt him from behind the bars, merely enough to make him ever-aware that he may loathe not being in control I'm always in control of him.

Then I thought I might let him out.

The reasons are obvious why I shouldn't and quite frankly that urge is the only deterant in my visiting him. I'm still holding on desperately to that one meeting Angel had arranged last week. Meeting my son. Although we've technically met there was something different about the circumstances we find ourselves in now. Connor is my one greatest regret, because I desperately wanted to give him the sort of life that I knew was impossible even from the beginning.

It's been impossibly tiresome. This hiding. Originally I thought that it might be better to hide from Angelus, seeking shelter from Angel against the monster I created. Against the thing that wished to restore me to my former soullessness. Honestly, if circumstances were different I would be heading straight towards Angelus. There are some bonds that cannot be broken no matter how hard one tries. However, there is one variable in this entire drama and that is my son. Once I staked myself for him, because I desperately needed to bring him into the world. I cried, terrified that I'd no longer be able to love him less the soul. No longer can I exist in the mold I once conveniantly folded into. Things are so very different now.

I've been staying with Angel, in his coiffed penthouse with his pet slayer. Honestly, I have no idea how he suffers them although in the long wrong Faith is much easier to tolerate than Buffy ever has been. For a time I tried to be the dirty little secret, stay hidden in the depths of shadows in the building so that Buffy wouldn't be aware of my presence until Angel was ready for it. It was the least I could do considering the circumstances I find myself in. Considering my complete and total romantic uninterest in Angel. Just as some bonds are impossible to break others run deeper still. Much deeper than any sense of mortal romance.

Of course, secrets have a way of getting out into the world. Frankly, I was surprised that Faith managed to keep her mouth shut when it came to telling Buffy just who was staying in her apartment. Then again, it doesn't take a psychiatrist to feel the strain of that relationship. The slayers can't even get along with eachother. It would be disheartening to say the least if I could manage to care.

Still, if something bad can happen to Angel it usually somehow does. And one early evening when I'd crawled into bed beside him for a few hours of sleep the prodigal slayer happened to drop by for a visit. And no, not the one that I find actually tolerable. The blonder much more distasteful one. Angel woke up right away to soothe her anger but I being...well, me only could provoke her more. What can I say? It's easy. Of course I only met Angel's stern voice upon said provocation. As if he has any room at all to undermine me, as if it was something I would allow him to do under any other circumstances.

This mortal life is confusing, lonely.....I find myself longing for times past. But then I remember Connor's face, I remember my fingertips across his features and I realize how I can never go back.

I'm only writing in this dreadful thing to inform you that I will no longer be needing a place to stay. I suppose now you can return to your apartment since I am no longer occupying it. I'd known you were abandoning it because you didn't care to see me. Now you have your wish, darling.

If you need to get in touch with me I'll be staying for the time with Angel. I know you're unhappy about that but believe me, it's for the best.

I suppose you already know that Angelus is on the loose, a seperate being from Angel. Eventually I'm sure he'll find his way to you and your apartment attempting to seek me out.

Be careful.

//Locked against everyone who doesn't know I exist...again//

If it weren't for a constant stream of consciousness I might expire of utter boredom in Lindsey's apartment. This human obsession with television grows tiring after a scant few hours, long before then actually. So I just let the dark settle in as I calmly sip expensive whiskey near the window as I've often seen Lindsey do.

Boredom has never sat well with me for the most obvious of reasons. So instead I find myself going through Lindsey's personal belongings. Sorry darling, but what did you expect when you leave me here by myself for days on end? It's not to worry of course, I'm only searching for the things I feel I need to know. Of course, I could just ask you them if you were here. Which you're not. Oh well, enough about that. The point being I happened upon a memo instructing all employees of Wolfram and Hart to be sent to therapy. Not only are the poor slobs to be sent to a therapist to ease them of their inner struggles, but they're also given writing assignments (Yes Lindsey, I read yours). A combination of boredom and the thought that if I'd read Lindsey's private writing assignement fair was only fair- I've decided to contribute and who knows. Perhaps I'll look up this therapist. Honestly, I doubt that he's anything more than bored with the lot of you.

What does the word trust mean to me?

Don't you trust me?

It's a line I've heard a thousand times, all uttered with that same sense of foreboding terror beneath it. Don't you trust me? He'd whisper it into the ears of maids and aristocrats alike. They'd swoon and nod and swear that they trust him until he had them tied upside down naked and sent halfway to hell. Blood dripping to the floor in heavy thick sheets and as I would sit idly by and admire as I buffed my nails Angelus would ask them again.

What's the matter? Don't you trust me?

The response evoked would be quite different then. There was the trembling and the screaming. Always the same word over and over again. No. No. No. Nono. Nononononononononononononono. Sometimes when I sleep that's all I hear. Usually it wasn't until they'd screamed so much their throats were raw that Angelus and I would finally show some form of mercy and end their suffering. After which we would merely move onto the next one.

Than there was that one fatal mistake. The present I'd practically gift wrapped myself and delivered into his waiting hands. The gypsy girl.

You did this to me. I trusted you.

I'm still not sure that I ever trusted Angelus. He certainly shouldn't have trusted me. After all, I was the one who rode off with our only horse one evening when Holtz was about to attack us. I left him for dead essentially, I'm still amazed that he managed to escape Holtz's army in one piece. Than again, there was never much about my boy that didn't amaze me. Until that one day that I fed him the wrong gypsy girl. After that I barely even recognized him. I only understood that he was an anomoly. Something disgusting. Neither human nor vampire and therefore something that any reasonable vampire should shun. I could see why it was that he blamed me, but at that juncture it was merely unimportant who was to blame.

I should have dusted him that very first day. It would have been a kindness.

No. I don't think I ever trusted Angelus. Trust isn't a common word between vampires unless you're staring through the rose colored jaded eyes of a man on the edge. William was never the most brilliant of vampires however, so it's hardly surprising that he could trust so easily when the rest of us hardly ever gave any parts of ourselves away.

I suppose I did however place some small measure of trust in the idea that I had created him. Therefore the last thing I had ever expected was to be staked for that service. I guess that's what happens when boys find news toys. Especially when those new toys came wrapped in the package of a petite cheerleading vampire slayer. I could go on for hours about that ordeal but I'll save that for another time.

When I came back I was surrounded by things and people who begged me to trust them. Lindsey in the company of Wolfram and Hart and later Lindsey on his own. They wanted to destroy Angel but they wanted to win over my trust in order to do such a thing. I'm sure there was some bit of trust between Lindsey and I, torn apart only when Drusilla restored me to what I had previously been. If matters couldn't have gotten more complicated I began to feel that tug, that pull back to Angel. I should have known from the very beginning that he was the only one who could help me with the sudden burden of a soul. It was daunting. The need to destroy him was nearly as strong as my urge to run back to him.

You just have to trust me, Darla.

In the end none of them proved to be worthy of much, especially my trust. This is hardly surprising when you considering the human race. There isn't much to trust.

So what does the word trust mean to me? Hardly anything.

//Unlock//

//Locked to all//

Now that I've officially stayed in nearly every disgusting motel this city has to offer I've finally moved in with Lindsey. Moved in. Not exactly the expression for it, I suppose considering this is merely temporary. Lindsey has been telling me a great deal about this woman he has met in my absence. This Tara girl. I've no feelings about her other than the slight twinge of irritation that I was forgotten so quickly. Maybe not forgotten I suppose, but I guess men are by their very nature, fickle beasts. Angelus and his slayer, Lindsey and his witch. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but I bear it because there's not much else to be said or done about it. I'm going to permit Lindsey this sugar coated happiness unless it behooves me to change things. Currently I feel no urge to maneuver my way between the two of them. There are far grander things at stake. Such as my son. Eventually I plan to go to him, I'm just not sure if I'm ready for it yet. Will I ever be? And more importantly, will he be ready to see his mother?

It would seem that Angel now runs Wolfram and Hart. How curious considering his past with the lawfirm. I can't say that it doesn't disturb me on every level possible. We had once mistakenly thought we were the most wicked of all things created. Then I met the lawyers at Wolfram and Hart. Angel now works for them? No. Not works. He is commander of their legion. How very....interesting.

//Unlock//

//Locked against all but Lindsey//

It seems ridiculous and yet I know it must be true. Like waking up from a sleep that only the most vivid of dreams could touch and suddenly you feel the icicles beneath your feet. Figurative of course, because the weather in Los Angeles is more apt to resemble hell than any sort of glacial arctic. It seems familiar and when I close my eyes I can see the barest of reminders. Who I used to be. What I used to be. There's nothing but the reflection of pale conflicted eyes and I'm still begging him to stop. Pleading with him not to repeat the sins of his parents. He never listens, merely bows to the whims of a possessed witch, a cheerleader with delusions of grandeur and a propensity for being overtaken by higher beings with more power than she could ever hope to possess.

Then I wake up, only for the haggard cycle to repeat itself with tenfold the intensity.

When I found myself in that alleyway at first I though it a dream. This one however had no end nor had it ever had a beginning. At least not one that I could remember. It all begins with a sick girl dying in her bed, and the creature that delivered her from the hell that was waiting. From then on there was no hell, unless of course I was the one who was creating it. Millenia after millenia and still I existed in the darkest shades of black. Now there were only shades of grey with which to walk in. Choices to make that I wasn't quite ready for. I can still recall the sound of what I can only imagine to be some power working towards the greater good (that in itself should be more irony than I can stand).

You stand at a crossroads, Darla. Your life. It has never been your own and such as it has always been it always shall be. Return now and be the deciding pawn in the balance between good and evil.

Is there a true purpose in all of this? It seems my only true purpose has been in existing. You can die but you never get to rest and just as I assume my hell is as real as could possibly be created I learn that the slayer is in town. Buffy Summers. I had only hoped something had killed her by now.

I stayed beneath the radar, only observing, never interacting. There was so much to learn and yet I find that I already know what has become of this world while I've been away. Connor. The burn still swaddles this heart and where once grew love now festers rage. I will have my confrontation with his father, I will demand to know a long ago promise on a rooftop became nothing but fiction. The time for that talk is not now, now I wait. For what? I haven't quite decided. Perhaps it's to adjust to this fragile human form for the second time. The third time if I could even remember what it had been like being human the first time. So I returned to the only person I knew I could truly count on to keep my return a secret. Lindsey.

Now I wait....

//Unlock//

I wasn't a fool, I knew exactly what was going on. What had been going on since the minute Wesley had set foot back into the hotel. Of all the nerve, I could hardly believe how quick he was to sell me out. Yet at the same time it made him more intruiging by a hundredfold. I had done him a favor, had risked my own life to help him escape the hotel when he first became aware of what Jasmine truly was. Now it seemed to me that he had returned only to force me into his own situation, alerting Jasmine and her simpering followers that I knew the truth. That I couldn't be trusted. In any other time I would have agreed with their sentiments, but now I was the only one they could trust. They just didn't understand the thrall holding them in place. Now I had lost my place in the inner circle, and all because Wesley had decided to make every suspicious of my motives.

I knew it wouldn't be long until Jasmine had begun to figure things out. That she hadn't been the one to summon me forth in some futile attempts to reunite a family that didn't exist. I had come forth of my volition and now that Jasmine knew this I was no longer in any position of power over my son or anyone else. I had only hoped that this would not be revealed until I had discovered a weakness of some sort. However, Wesley completely destroyed any chances of that and soon I felt myself completely isolated. On a constant watch between my son, Angel and Gunn. They tried to pretend as if they were concerned about me, as if they wanted to keep me company but I had spent far too long watching. And I knew exactly why they were keeping a close eye on me. Because I was now a liability and Jasmine was all too aware of it.

There was much to fear. Angel had once killed me to save his lover, a high school cheerleader. His feelings for Buffy, how real they were was still up to debate but they were real enough to shove a stake through my heart. His love for Jasmine grew by leaps and bounds and far surpassed his love for Buffy. He would kill for her and I'd seen him do as much, if I was next on the list I had no doubts that he would be the one to do it. And now I wasn't a vampire and could afford only manipulation in fighting back against my own death. And Connor? As much as it pained me to think about it, he had in essence already killed me once. The staking of myself aside because he hadn't killed me, I'd killed myself out of love for him. When he dragged that petite blonde into the warehouse he shared with Cordelia. I took her form as he raised the axe and he hesitated for only a split second before killing the girl. The girl who was wearing my face. Jasmine knew the greatest manipulation of all and I was convinced that if need be she could have either of my boys end me at any time.

It wasn't fear for myself that caused me to be afraid, however. It was fear for my son. And for Angel, although I knew he could take care of himself when need be. He'd spent a few centuries now and had enough practice to be left to his own idiotic devices. But Connor? He was merely a boy with so much to learn about the world. I had once hoped to teach him but even as he grew inside of me, shared his soul with me I knew it was too much to hope for. You couldn't love without a soul, you could only be consumed. That same love that infected our hearts still reigned, even if they no longer beat. Now my heart beat all too loudly in my ears as Connor entered my room.

"Connor..."

"Mom, I have to take you to Jasmine." Connor said stiffly, his eyes darting around the room nervously. He knew what was about to happen and yet was doing nothing to stop it. I had known from the minute the lock had snapped on the outside of my door several hours ago. Trapped.

"Connor, please don't do this." I walked towards him and rested one warm hand against the side of his face, meeting his pale eyes with my own. He was so much like me, and I was grateful to have learned as much in my short time here.

"She just wants to help you. I have to take you to her. I know Wesley confused you, but she'll make it better for you again. I promise." His words were sincere as he looked down at me and I knew that he meant them. He really hoped for me to be helped when all along I was trying to help him.

"She's going to kill me." I whispered as I pulled my hand away from his face.

"Don't be ridiculous. She just wants to help you. I want you to get help, Mom. Please?" His voice, his eyes- so pleading I couldn't help but feel my will buckle beneath me. It hardly mattered as I knew there was no talking to Connor and I had one of two choices. To follow willingly or be dragged forcibly. My pride wouldn't allow for the second if I could help it and if I wanted to stave off my own execution I would have to follow, I would have to manipulate. My own son.

I nodded and he smiled as he took my arm lightly in his and led me away from my room. My eyes scanned the perimeter as he tugged me insistantly towards Jasmine's room. Right before we approached I saw my opening and I took it. Flinging myself away from my son I knocked straight into Gunn catching him by surprise. Grabbing the gun he carried away from him I stepped away from both of them and trained it on Gunn. I couldn't seem to move targets to my son even if I had no true intention of harming him.

"Mom, please! Let us help you!" I could hear Connor pleading as I backed away from the both of them, the gun trembling in my hands.

"You can't help me, Connor. I can only help you now." I said quietly as I slipped out the lobby door, the onlookers staring at me in surprise. By now Jasmine had most of the city under her control and they all gathered in the hotel lobby now, watching me make my escape.

As soon as the night air hit my skin I ran as fast as I possibly could, weaving through alleyway after alleyway with no notion of where to turn to next. No notion until I bumped straight into the thing that had caused this grief for me. Wesley.

Out of breath and shaking I held the gun up and pointed it at him. I was a vampire and I'd killed my share of people. Hurting another would hardly stain my soul any worse than it already was.

"You did this to me!" I hissed out at him.